


The IT Candidate

by Lunasong365



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, IT Crowd
Genre: Computers, Gen, Job Interview, Nerdiness, Reynholm Industries, United Holdings [Holdings] PLC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 11:38:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12816702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunasong365/pseuds/Lunasong365
Summary: I was just looking for an excuse to get these two computer poseurs into the same fic.





	The IT Candidate

**Author's Note:**

> I know these two 'verses don't fall in the same timeline, but imagine if they did.

“Newt!” The harried receptionist on the other end of the line sounded as if she were about to _take this job and shove it._

Newt grimaced. It had already been a most unusual Monday. The junior managers were all away at some management training conference near Oxford, and the senior managers had apparently decided to abscond to an executive planning session in Torremolinos. Eugenie had already called him several times this morning in the mistaken belief that he might know who was here and who reported to whom. _I’m just the wages clerk_ , he’d thought to himself morosely. _I’m very good at filling out forms in triplicate, but otherwise, I’m useless. Guess that’s why I work with numbers._

It wasn’t the exacting numbers of Accounting, the statistical numbers of Forward Planning, the big-spending numbers of Purchasing, or the tell-tale numbers of Internal Audit. No, it was compiling Time & Attendance data, calculating wages, taxes, and deductions, and distributing pay stubs for the management team to hand out.

But Newt still tried to see everything in the best light, no matter how bizarre the situation. “How can I help, Eugenie?” He looked down and noticed he was wearing one blue and one brown sock. His trousers were too short for his gangly, rolled-out frame, and one sleeve cuff was singed from last week’s failed electrical experiment.

“There’s someone down here for a job interview!”

“Well, I’m sorry, Eugenie, but I don’t know anything about it.” Newt licked his thumb and tried to erase the singe mark while cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder

“But _Newt_ …” Eugenie’s voice had taken on a slightly desperate air, “you’re the closest thing I could think of to a Human Resources person who is actually in the office today!”

Newt suddenly lost his tenuous control of the handset and it fell with a bang, clattering across his desk. “Oops. Sorry, Eugenie.”

“I can’t tell her we scheduled a job interview and then forgot about it!”

Newt sighed. It did sound like something that his company would do. “But I’m not a manager.”

“I’ll tell her employee-led interviews are part of our new initiative on team-building.”

“What’s the position?” Newt couldn’t think of any openings in his three-person department. There was the Head of Wages, the Assistant Head of Wages, and himself. He could hear Eugenie’s mumbled voice through the receiver.

“She said it’s for IT Manager!”

Newt’s ears perked up. _She? IT?_ Both words were like a siren call. Newt was very interested in women, but they’d never reciprocated his fruitless attraction. The same could be said for computers. He’d been fascinated by them even longer than by the female sex. Even now, several of them were waiting for him at home, in various states of dishabille. Newt had a sudden thought about running his hands through wires and around sleek curves and shook his head to clear it.

 _Maybe during the interview I can impress her and lobby for a job working with computers in her department._ Computers were his future; he was sure of it. He’d do anything to get out of what he considered to be the most boring job in the world. "I’ll be down in a moment, Eugenie.”

Newt hastily stuffed the _Easy Electronics_ magazine he’d been reading into his desk drawer and brushed a hand through his dark, shapeless hair. He walked toward the lift past the Accounting department, where Brian Potter was flexing his biceps, entertaining a gaggle of young females gathered around his desk.  _T_ _hat’ll be me one day_ , he thought, remembering that he’d vowed to find a new outdoorsy activity to keep himself fit. He turned and took the stairs instead.

 _No,_ he thought _. I don’t need a harem. Just one. Just one girl who looks at me like I’m her destiny. Maybe I’ll isolate a dangerous virus that had threatened to take down the entire network and she’ll say ‘Well done, Newt!’ And we’ll…_ Newt was never quite sure about what happened next. Sure, he knew the mechanics of it, thanks to his stash of bottom-shelf pornography. But how did one get from meeting a girl to Tab A fitting into Slot B?

Newt opened the stairwell door into the lobby and started to sweat. A beautiful young woman was sitting in the foyer chair, professionally dressed and idly bouncing her foot, which was capped with the reddest, most ridiculously eye-catching shoe he’d ever seen.

***

Jen propped one leg across her knee and extended her foot so she could admire the Manolo Blahniks she’d wedged on that morning. The receptionist had excused herself and disappeared to God knows where, otherwise she’d have been happy to continue talking shoes with her. She hated to waste these beauties on a mere job interview, but they’d called to her from her closet this morning – _wear me…_ She looked up expectantly as the lobby door opened.

 _Eww_ , she thought as her smile turned plastic. _Nerd_. She could tell ‘em on sight. Even though the two with which she had daily contact looked nothing like each other. But at this point, she’d do anything that would get her out of that basement.

Was everyone who worked with computers a nerd? Of course not! She was probably the sole exception. She worked with computers. She was experienced in doing all sorts of computer things – sending, receiving, deleting emails – and was proficient with using a mouse. And she’d picked up mad video game skills from interacting with Roy.

The young man wiped his hand on the front of his trousers, then extended it. “Hello. I’m Newton Pulsifer. Welcome to United Holdings [Holdings] PLC.”

“I’m Jen. Jen Barber. Pleased to meet you.” She gingerly accepted just his fingertips. Newt led her to a small glassed-in conference room off the lobby.

“The receptionist told me that you’re not a manager, but an employee. Of the IT department?” Jen asked as she sat down.

“Oh. Yes…yes. I’m a computer engineer,” Newt stuttered as he looked over Jen’s CV. He pushed his glasses up his nose and looked up. “I see that you are currently IT Manager and Relationship Manager at Reynholm Industries?”

“Yes, I manage a team of two employees. Roy and Moss. We keep the entire company running.” Jen leaned back and airily waved her hand. “You know how it is, of course. Nowadays, nothing gets done without computers. I spend so much time trying to explain the wonders of technology to ordinary folk.” 

“Of course! I know exactly what you mean. So tell me, what diagnostic hierarchy does your team follow when fixing a computer?”

“Diagnostic hierarchy?” Jen searched her memory for something her workmates had said. “Um…the first thing is to turn it off and on again?”

“Oh…right! I’ve found that works. That is…if I haven’t blown a fuse. Or blacked out a city. Ha ha!” Newt chuckled, then looked self-conscious. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Just a joke.”

“Right. Yeah.”

Newt continue to scan the CV. “Other accomplishments. Project Icarus…Oh! Employee of the Month! Why don’t you tell me about that?”

Jen smiled broadly at one of her favorite memories. “Oh, that was wonderful. Almost as good as that time I died.” She ploughed past Newt’s quizzical look. “I got to give a speech to the shareholders. And I showed them the Internet.”

“Showed them the Internet?”

Jen’s face was aglow with the recollection. “You’d never think it’d be as small as it is, yeah? But it’s just a little black box. With a red light on top. Stephen Hawking let me borrow it for the day.”

“You know Stephen Hawking?”

Jen seized the opportunity to embellish. “Yes. I met him at my cousin’s wedding. He asked me to dance. I didn’t know him then, but we’re like best friends now! Oh, and by the way, never ever type ‘Google’ into Google.” She leaned forward, suddenly serious. “Not even as a joke. You could break the Internet. I sent out a memo about it and luckily, Reynholm Industries haven’t had that problem on my watch!”

“Uh…okay. Tell me about being a relationship manager. What does that mean? Do you set your employees up on dates or something?” Newt almost looked hopeful.

“Oh, no, no! I don’t know anyone who would…well, there was that one time my three girlfriends needed dates.” _Ugh._ She hadn’t thought about that disastrous dinner party in months.

“But I thought you only worked with two people?”

“Well, I forgot about Richmond. But he spends all his time behind the red door! I don’t exactly know what he does. I don’t think he exactly knows what he does…but he’s part of our team! Like you said, teamwork is important! And with me as their leader, and with my business acumen, I managed to save the department!”

“But why’d you need to save it? Like you said earlier – IT is indispensable. The company couldn’t operate without it.”

Jen started waving her hands in circles. “No, it’s computers that are indispensable. IT is…well, you know. It’s just some initials. Like AM and PM?” She laughed in a depreciative manner. “It’s not like it really matters what they stand for!”

“Right.” Newt looked a little confused. Jen almost felt sorry for him. He honestly didn’t seem as savvy about computer technology and jargon as she was. Maybe it was a mistake to interview with a company that obviously wasn’t as technologically advanced as Reynholm Industries. She’d once heard Moss explain the difference between memory and RAM and, although she didn’t remember what he had said, she didn’t think this guy would know. She needed to work with people who knew. Otherwise, she might have to learn.

Newt gamely continued with the interview. "Why don’t you tell me a little bit about what exactly Reynholm Industries does?"

The question caught Jen off guard. She quickly deflected. “To tell the truth…I wasn’t able to find a lot of information on what United Holdings [Holdings] does. Can you tell me?”

“Well…” Newt stumbled, “…we…um…I’m sure your skills will be transferrable.”

“Tell you what,” she looked down at the name she’d written on her pad, “Newton. It’s been nice talking to you but I don’t think this is the right move for me. Nothing personal,” she reassured, seeing her interviewer’s crestfallen expression. “In fact, why don’t you stop by Reynholm Industries next week? I’d be glad to give you a tour of…” She thought about the basement IT department and quickly dismissed it. “…the…” She thought about the 30th floor and the danger of running into Douglas. “The canteen! We have delicious muffins! And here – I’ve got something here to thank you for the interview…” she dug in her bag. “Look! A Reynholm Industries mouse mat! Isn’t that nice for a tech guy like yourself?”

 ***

Upstairs, Newt got out his lunch pail and unfolded his copy of the _Gazette_. His life might be totally different next week! The whole morning had seemed somehow calculated to lead him toward making the changes he’d been thinking about. Flipping through the pages, a likely-looking advert caught his attention.

JOIN THE PROFESSIONALS. PART TIME ASSISTANT REQUIRED TO COMBAT THE FORCES OF DARKNESS. UNIFORM, BASIC TRAINING PROVIDED. FIELD PROMOTION CERTAIN. BE A MAN!

Newt was ready to be a man. He put down his sandwich and made a phone call. 


End file.
